I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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