Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
