and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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