Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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