My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
