I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Randomize
