In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
