Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
