I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
