Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
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