If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize