I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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