Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
