I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
