By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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