she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
