The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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