He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
You have to summon your inner elephant
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
