Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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