My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
