I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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