Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
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