Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize