why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
