I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
