My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
