It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Someone shit on the floor
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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