Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
He felt like a one man threesome
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize