I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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