When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
