While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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