even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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