Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
