alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize