She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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