why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
