how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
