Got a toothbrush?
a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
