I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
can u get pink eye on your cock?
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Randomize
