thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
