I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
