why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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