and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
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