He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Randomize
