youre lurking in front of me
I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
