omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Randomize
