I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
A+ Viking dick
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
