I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
