Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Randomize
