i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
