Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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