her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
