god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
