Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
