Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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