Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
