I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize