I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
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