my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Thank you for not boning my boss.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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