I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
