somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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