you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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