She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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