i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
